When Thea and her husband moved to Los Angeles a few years ago, she had no friends close by and was alone frequently while her husband worked long hours. Though Thea, who asked that her full name not be used, says her husband was the "best friend someone could have," the spark, and sex, were gone.
Seeking company and a little romance, Thea became a member of AshleyMadison.com, a web site that connects married people wanting to have an affair.
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After a few dates with a man she connected with, she began an ongoing affair. "He was giving me all of the stuff my husband wasn't -- attention and affection," she says.
There are many reasons for infidelity, such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction. But experts say that a large majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention, and women looking to fill an emotional void.
"Women tell me, 'I was lonely, not connected, I don't feel close to my partner, and I was taken for granted,'" says Winifred Reilly, MA, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, Calif. "They say they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again."
Emotional Reasons
Every affair is different, and so are every woman's reasons for her involvement.
That said, men are more likely to cite sexual motivations for infidelity and are less likely to fall in love with an extramarital partner, says Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and the author of Why Him? Why Her? and Why We Love.
Women tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness, Fisher says.
"Women tend to be more unhappy with the relationship they are in ... while men can be a lot happier in their primary relationship and also cheat," Fisher tells WebMD. "Women are more interested in supplementing their marriage or jumping ship than men are -- for men, it is a secondary strategy as opposed to an alternate.".
In one of her studies, Fisher found that 34% of women who had affairs were happy or very happy in their marriage. A greater percentage of men who had affairs, 56%, were happy in their marriage.
In the Genes?
The theory that adultery is "natural" for men, fulfilling their Darwinian need to spread their seed, has been around a long time. But the connection women look for when having affairs may have evolutionary roots as well.
The theory, Fisher says, is that from the earliest days, women paired with a primary mate to have children. But as women went out to gather food, they slept with other men, creating an insurance policy -- to have someone who would help rear children and provide resources should their mate die.
Seeking company and a little romance, Thea became a member of AshleyMadison.com, a web site that connects married people wanting to have an affair.
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Finding Dr. Right
By Marguerite Lamb Baffled by all those initials after doctors' names? Tired of getting the referral runaround? We'll help clear up the confusion so you can find the best treatment for your symptoms. In today's medical marketplace, you're not a patient—you're a "health-care consumer." That's good news and bad. It means you have more autonomy and choice than ever—but it also means the ball is in your court when it comes to figuring out whom to trust with your health. Should...
Read the Finding Dr. Right article > >
After a few dates with a man she connected with, she began an ongoing affair. "He was giving me all of the stuff my husband wasn't -- attention and affection," she says.
There are many reasons for infidelity, such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction. But experts say that a large majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention, and women looking to fill an emotional void.
"Women tell me, 'I was lonely, not connected, I don't feel close to my partner, and I was taken for granted,'" says Winifred Reilly, MA, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, Calif. "They say they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again."
Emotional Reasons
Every affair is different, and so are every woman's reasons for her involvement.
That said, men are more likely to cite sexual motivations for infidelity and are less likely to fall in love with an extramarital partner, says Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and the author of Why Him? Why Her? and Why We Love.
Women tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness, Fisher says.
"Women tend to be more unhappy with the relationship they are in ... while men can be a lot happier in their primary relationship and also cheat," Fisher tells WebMD. "Women are more interested in supplementing their marriage or jumping ship than men are -- for men, it is a secondary strategy as opposed to an alternate.".
In one of her studies, Fisher found that 34% of women who had affairs were happy or very happy in their marriage. A greater percentage of men who had affairs, 56%, were happy in their marriage.
In the Genes?
The theory that adultery is "natural" for men, fulfilling their Darwinian need to spread their seed, has been around a long time. But the connection women look for when having affairs may have evolutionary roots as well.
The theory, Fisher says, is that from the earliest days, women paired with a primary mate to have children. But as women went out to gather food, they slept with other men, creating an insurance policy -- to have someone who would help rear children and provide resources should their mate die.
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